I normally don't print humour here but...this was great!
I apologize in advance for those who may be insulted...but gimmee a break..This is freaking funny!
A bit of British Humour
Here's a message from John Cleese (Monty Python):
A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the
United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent
President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your
independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories
(excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a
governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and
the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you
noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect: You
should look up "revocation" in
the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the
pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such
as 'favour' and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the
suffix ise. Generally, you
will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed
with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as US English.
We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted
to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
You will relearn your original national anthem,
God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers
and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things
out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own
or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
required if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling
beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as beer,
and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as
Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's
ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There
is only one kind of proper football; you cal lit soccer. Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 21% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with
proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
strawberries in season.
Thank you for your co-operation
Relax!...it's only a joke!
A bit of British Humour
Here's a message from John Cleese (Monty Python):
A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the
United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent
President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your
independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories
(excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a
governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and
the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you
noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect: You
should look up "revocation" in
the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the
pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such
as 'favour' and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the
suffix ise. Generally, you
will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed
with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as US English.
We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted
to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
You will relearn your original national anthem,
God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers
and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things
out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own
or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
required if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling
beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as beer,
and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as
Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's
ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There
is only one kind of proper football; you cal lit soccer. Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 21% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with
proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
strawberries in season.
Thank you for your co-operation
Relax!...it's only a joke!
Comments
thanks
that cracked me up--love John Cleese.
Glad and relieved! ;)